just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Michael Bay diarrhea
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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