I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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