One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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