the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
