I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
