I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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