What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
