Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
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