i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
It was like getting head from an anaconda
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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