Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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