My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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