my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
