apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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