The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
