3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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