Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
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