You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
