in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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