the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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