I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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