I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
