I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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