What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
