Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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