There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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