watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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