just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
