The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
