All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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