but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
