woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
