friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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