there was a trapeze. enough said
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We're using joints as your birthday candles
This is classic penis vs brain.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
