my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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