yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
