Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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