I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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