i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
