I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize