just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
