my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
