why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
as a side note pls kill me
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
