and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
