if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
