im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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