genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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