My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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