Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
