OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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