Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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