so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
only if we run a train.
done.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
