So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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