Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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