i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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