Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize