i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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