got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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