He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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