SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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