i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize