My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
