FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
