she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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